Why do I throw up, take drugs, starve myself, and exercise eccesively?

My thinspiration: To be able to sit down without having fat rolls hang over my jeans, and to fit into my clothes that I only just bought less than 1 year ago.

To look like this

not this

Currently Listening A Beautiful Lie By 30 Seconds to Mars see related

Thank you guys for your comments now that I am back. I don't expect a lot.

My parents have always bitched at me for being bulimic, and today was another day, my dad just wanted to sit and "talk" with me. They tell me that they will buy me all the healthy food I want, well at least my dad does, my mom just cusses me out and calls me fat and tells me being bulimic doesn't work. But I do eat healthy, it's just I can't even keep down healthy foods. After I eat they all just stay in my throat and I HAVE to throw up. My parents yelling at me just makes me want to do it more. I know I have a problem, it is a mental disease not just physical, because even when I am not throwing up I am thinking about it. I don't think it ever leaves my mind.

Being the biggest girl on the cheerleading team isn't something to feel good about.

And my mom has gotten so pissed about me basically throwing up her money, that she won't even let me eat, so she is basically helping me and I am extremely happy about that.

Oh yeah, and if anyone has seen REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, or likes 30 Seconds to Mars, I would just like everyone to know that I am in love with Jared Leto and I met him Monday night and he talked to me and hugged me and I was SO happy.

Currently Reading Milkweed (Readers Circle) By Jerry Spinelli see related

I am back. Everything is horrible. I am back to my old ways but now I just worry more since I gained weight again. I am cheerleading for the school and my uniform doesn't fit and I am the fattest cheerleader. I lost all my friends again and it seems everytime that happens I gain a shitload of weight.

I just can't stand this. Does anyone know why I still have xanga premium when I haven't paid and I've been on this thing for a while now?

Currently Reading Requiem for a Dream By Hubert Selby Jr. see related

I am going into Rehab....so I won't be updating for a while.

My mom figured out I was bulimic, she doesn't know how but she knows its driving my crazy. She found "throw up" on the toilet for the 2184729537 time after she's threatened to send me, so now she is sending me. If they make me eat I at least hope they let me go to the gym everyday.......they can't force you to eat right?

Currently Reading Running with Scissors: A Memoir By Augusten Burroughs see related

Definately threw up in a bowling alley, not in a bathroom, not on the lane, on the carpet right where everyone walks, right in front of the desk........I haven't eaten in a while and I've been fatigued and stuff, but we went out and got ice cream, and then went to the bowling alley and I took a sip of soda and started laughing with my friend, it came out my nose, then I strated choking and vomitted all over the floor........it was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But the good side, is that now I don't have the nasty Ice Cream still in my system.

Also, I was reading bulimia tips, and I was so proud of myself because one of them I already did on my own, lol, thats not something to be proud of, but I was......lol........cuz getting splashed in the face sucked, so I would put toilet paper in their to soak up the water, and that was mentioned as a tip!